Sad, crazy, unrealized potential, broken, lonely
Elena remembers her brother, Kai, as a kind, loving, and handsome man with a huge heart. He was generous, often opening his home so friends would not have to sleep on the street. Though his addiction prevented him from being the father and grandfather he wanted to be, he loved his three children and grandchildren deeply.
When Kai was four, he was involved in a tragic accident that resulted in years of surgeries to repair his arm. He lost feeling in part of his arm and finger. Despite the pain, Kai found humor in his condition and often sought ways to joke about it.
Kai loved helping others and spending time outdoors. He enjoyed car and boat shows and liked being by the pool. Skilled in renovation, he worked in both commercial and residential settings and was particularly known as a meticulous painter and handyperson. Kai could take on nearly any job. He dreamed of eventually owning a painting business, but a lack of self-esteem prevented him from making this a reality.
Elyssa, Drake, and Zach were Kai’s beloved children. A favorite family memory includes taking Kai’s oldest son, Drake, then two years old, to the beach for the first time. For Kai’s 31st birthday, his family threw him a party. It was both a celebration of his birthday and one year of sobriety. “It was so wonderful to see him happy and involved in the family, but those days ended shortly thereafter,” Elena said.
Kai’s addiction began early in his teenage years and shaped much of his life. He entered his first treatment facility at 15. The facility included families in the rehabilitation process, so at age 11, Elena participated in family therapy. When the patients reached a certain level, family members could stay with them for a time. Though it was “hard and scary” to stay there, Elena says it helped her become the woman she is today. Having grown up in the world of addiction, she does not judge Kai or anyone with a substance use disorder.
Although substance use prevented Kai from fully realizing his goals, his family never gave up on him. “We wanted him around and for him to accept the love we had for him,” Elena said. Yet, Kai’s shame about his addiction prevented him from taking advantage of this support, instead keeping his loved ones at a distance. He once told Elena that a legacy he would like to leave for others was an example of how drugs can negatively affect a life. While he could not achieve all his dreams, he did fulfill that wish, since his struggle discouraged Elena’s children from trying drugs.
Just days before he passed, Elena received a phone call she will always treasure. She remains profoundly grateful for that conversation and time with Kai. He spoke about knowing Jesus and his deep sense of gratitude, and for over an hour, they talked about his life and the friends he cared about who needed help.
The family agrees that substance use disorder is largely misunderstood. It is not a choice of drugs before people, but the unshakable sense that survival without drugs is impossible. Victims feel they aren’t worthy of a loving, satisfying life. Elena believes that if there were to be a “cure” to this crisis, it would be for those struggling to see themselves through their loved one’s eyes.
Kai’s sister, Elena Duke, provided the information for this narrative.
March 29, 1973–September 26, 2023–Age 50
Portrait Artist: Jeremy Hebbel
Narrative Writer: Barbara Francois
